Here’s a bunch of loose thoughts... Just the kind that might strike you over your morning bar of chocolate ;)
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
*****
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.
With the new academic year coming near, it’s really good to realise that things (and words) are not always what they seam (and sound). This text will give you an idea of what your teacher REALLY means...
They say: You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
They mean: I wrote the thing and need the royalties.
They say: If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in this course.
They mean: Providing, of course, you don’t need any sleep or other ’life’.
Sure it’s best not to... But if you should ever get into trouble... I mean REAL trouble, and need a lawyer - here are some useful tips on what to avoid and how to tell your choice might just not to be the perfect one ;) * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser".
* During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger".
* Every couple of minutes, he yells "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
* He calls recess and asks "Got any ideas, genius?"
* Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever".
* He frequently gives juror number 4 the finger.
* He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
* He begins closing arguments with "Well, as Ally McBeal once said..."
* He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.
* Just before your trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
* He thinks he’ll win your case, "because there’s a first time for everything".
* He starts off his opening with, "anyone got a light?"
* Whenever he says, "Your Honor", he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
* The sign in front of his law office reads "Practising Law Since 2:45".
* He begins by telling jury, "You all look like you should be on Jerry Springer".
* He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs".
* His phone number: 1-900-SHYSTER.
* He introduces you to his law partners, Jim Beam and Johnny Walker.
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